Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The leash...of death (insert scary music here)


My dog's retractable leash finally gave up the ghost the other day. It was a few years old when we got our current dog, who is almost ten now, so it was time to buy a new one. It came in the mail yesterday, which was great, and my dog and I were happy.

Until I happened to read the insert that came with the leash. Now I'm feeling lucky to be alive, considering how long we've been using retractable leashes. Apparently any of the following can (and probably will) happen when using the leash:
  • If the leash or collar breaks, the cord can "snap back with enough force to cause serious eye damage, broken teeth, cuts and bruises" (note to self - buy mouth guard and safety goggles before next walk)
  • If the cord runs across skin, it can cause abrasions or severe cuts. Cuts and burns are more likely if the cord wraps around any part of the body (but can apparently happen even if it doesn't - like a surprise attack)
  • Because the leash is longer than regular leashes, my dog can build up speed and pull really hard, possibly pulling me to the ground (perhaps dragging me on my belly behind her like Indiana Jones - but probably without the panache)
  • I most definitely must not use the leash while on wheels (for example, a bike, skateboard or roller blades) - this totally kills all the plans I had for this leash
  • If I allow slack to build up in the cord, I'm likely to get tangled up in it (causing rope burns, abrasions, and -- for those not faint of heart -- see the next bullet...
  • If the cord wraps around fingers or catches on a ring, a hard pull on the leash can amputate fingers or break bones!
  • To avoid this painful amputation/bone breaking, I can remove my rings and wear heavy gloves (should be fun this summer)
  • Bystanders are also at risk for any and all of these injuries! "In particular," the insert continues, "they can be cut by the cord if they contact it" (must be the retractable razorblades embedded in the cord) "or if it wraps around them. " They might also (gasp) "trip on the leash." Yes, let's worry about tripping because amputation and fracture are not enough.
  • I can't even tell you what it says about going near small children in strollers. I imagine I'll have to struggle valiantly with this homicidal leash to prevent it from randomly attacking toddlers
  • And last, but not least, I must not attempt to open the plastic housing and fix the leash myself should it break. "The leash housing contains a pre-wound spring that can cause injury if opened." It probably is designed to aim for the eyes.
Anyone feel like going for a walk? I think I'll just huddle here in in the closet until my therapist gets here...or possibly the police. Is that the sound of a leash slithering across the floor in my direction? Is it? AAAAAAArrrrgh!

.....

14 comments:

  1. lol, you'd think they're trying NOT to sell any leashes!

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  2. I think I'm with you! Are they purposely trying to terrify their consumers into not buying their product?

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  3. it reads like they've had some lawsuits before! sheesh..

    awwwwwwwwww poor baby bunny in that awful awful picture! lol

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  4. Nymeth and Ladytink - the thing is, everything looked perfectly fine until I opened the package - they didn't advertise any of that stuff in their blurb on Amazon!

    Deslily - you must be right - I bet there's a lawsuit for every single one of those things. (Shudder.) That's a scary thought! And I did feel kind of bad about the bunny! :-)

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  5. if i were you, i'd burn the leash and then burn the ashes just to be sure!

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  6. I tried, Molly, I tried! It keeps...coming...BACK!

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  7. This just goes along with my "something in your ____ may KILL you" monologue...

    Maybe trees should come with disclaimers that they could fall and rocks could come with disclaimers that they are hard and may be slippery when wet and should not be eaten.

    But I agree with Molly - burn the ashes and then douse in holy water and store in a silver locket.

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  8. Matt - haha! You are right. Although - uh oh - I could swear I just heard a whisper from the corner where the leash is that said, "Matt - I know where you live..."

    I hope you have some holy water handy!

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  9. oh I wouldn't worry, its not like your walking Molly Malone's dog, who is just a bundle of energy. Your dog seems much more patient and won't do anything to harm you.

    Ps - love the Plum review - anything involving Grandma Mazur has to mean chaos. I love the one where the Grandma opens the coffin at the funeral home.

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  10. Va Gal - I think that one is my favorite Stephanie Plum book. I remember reading it on a plane and giggling the entire plane ride - so that when I was getting off the plane several people came over to ask what book I was reading! I'm going to be just like Grandma when I grow up. :-)

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  11. Thanks for giving me a great laugh! :-)))))))

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  12. I'm glad someone's laughing.

    :-D

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  13. Jim and I have actually experienced this warning: "If the cord runs across skin, it can cause abrasions or severe cuts"
    Me: not getting the lease locked down before Sophie took off after a squirrel and I reached down to grab the cord in a stupid attempt to stop her. Injury: nasty rope burn across the palm of my hand.

    Jim: Not locking down the leash in time to keep Sophie from running behind him to chase a yet another squirrel.
    Injury: rope burn behind the knee.

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  14. Yikes! I think I still have a scar on my thigh from a walk in shorts with 2 dogs on retractable leashes that involved the sudden (and exciting and oh-so surprising) presence of a squirrel.

    Now that I think of it, they could have added at least two more pages had they combined their warnings with possible squirrel events as well! :-D

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